


Unbound

by FrozenVoid



Series: The Trials We Face [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Past Miscarriage, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-24
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-30 08:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1016203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenVoid/pseuds/FrozenVoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The search for answers begins along this dark path.<br/>Don't let it swallow you whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to get this out there so you guys know the story is in-(slow)process

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The light of love flickers
> 
> In comes the darkness

Leonard hates how he can’t work or focus on anything. He hates that Jim thinks he’ll be able to fix him. Hates how Jim still loves him. Hates himself for surviving. Hates that he has no answers to anything. Hates that he lost so much time. Hates that Jim waited for him. Hates at how everyone looks at him. Hates how Spock looks at him. He hates it.

Jim hates how Leonard won’t let him in or help. He hates that he can’t do anything. Hates that he’ll never be able to truly help Leonard. Hates that he ever let this happen to him. Hates how Leonard pushes him away. Hates that he knows Leonard is purposely pushing him away. Hates how Leonard lies to him. Hates that he just accepts it. He hates it.

Spock hates how he can’t control or suppress his emotions. He hates these feelings that are breaking through. Hates that he ever read that file. Hates that he can barely look at Uhura in the eyes. Hates how every time he’s even near Leonard he could feel it. Hates that he doesn’t even need to touch the man to feel the pain. Hates that he knows the truth. Hates that all he wants to do is protect Leonard and Jim from any more pain. He hates it. 


	2. Clipped Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spread them wide
> 
> Enjoy the ride

Space was dark. Space was silent. Space was space, a vast openness that was filled with nothing and everything. A place where black holes, stars, fireballs that provided life and rocks that provided light in the night floated. Just floated and did their thing. If a person thought too long and hard about it all they just might go insane from the amazement that this is real. This all exists in such perfect balance. Sometimes things interfere with each other, yes, but the majority of the time it’s all laid out in perfect harmony.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk loved space. 

However the love he had for space and the love he held for his husband were on two different playing fields.

He’d give up space if he had to, but he’d never give up on Bones.

The past year had proven that.

Jim sat in his Captain’s chair and listened to the rhythmic sounds that played across the bridge. It’s been a month since they began again their five year mission and Jim was…

Bored.

He let out a purposefully loud sigh.

“Mr. Spock,” he broke the relative silence on the bridge.

“Yes, Captian?” Spock spun in his chair to face Jim.

“How much longer do we have to drift here?”

“If you are referring to the week-long study the Science division has been granted to study the stars in this area, then 2 days, 11 hours, 38 minutes and 48 seconds.”

Jim blinked. “Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

“Of course, Captain.”

“Captain, you are requested in engineering right away,” Uhura reported when Spock and Jim were finished conversing.

Everyone could feel the sudden tightness in the air. Jim rose calmly from his seat. “Tell them I’ll be there. Spock, you’ve got the con.”

“Aye Captain,” Uhura and Spock said in unison.

Jim took the all too familiar route down to engineering, a place he’s been going to a lot in the pass month. When he arrived he was greeted by Keenser.

“The usual spot, Keenser?” Jim asked the small alien, who shook his head. Jim cocked his head and followed the alien through the bustling sea of red. No matter what the _Enterprise_ was doing, whether in warp or just floating, engineering was always a fast paced place.

There was something about it that drew Leonard here. Jim couldn’t figure it out, but whenever Leoanrd got worked up or had a bad session with Dr. Elliot, he came down here. He would sit up on one of the bridges and just hang his feet over the edge and watch everyone work. He wasn’t particularly in the way so no one bothered him and he didn’t bother anyone. Eventually he would just get up and leave. That was that and they had stopped calling Jim every time he came down, but apparently this time was different.

Jim knew where they were headed. Of course the last time he’d been down this path the ship was crashing down to Earth.

Keenser stopped suddenly, but Jim knew he was meant to go on.

“Thanks,” Jim said and Keenser nodded, leaving Jim to deal with what he had to.

He came up to the secluded area of warp core. Like his gold shirt, which was out of place in the red zone, so was the blue shirt that sat up against the glass hazard door.

“Bones?”

Jim kneeled in front of Leonard.

“You okay?”

“This is where you died, where it all ended.”

Jim let out a sigh.  

“Talked ‘bout it, you know,” he flailed his hand in the air, “with Doc culinary herb.”

“Doctor Elliot.”

“Yeah.”

Jim maneuvered himself and sat beside his husband.

“Why didn’t you move on? When you thought I was dead?” Leonard asked in a quiet voice. “I mean you were dead but,” he let out a humorless laugh “not that long for me to be thinking of what my future without you would be like.”

When he turned to Jim he could see a haunted look grace his face, an old nightmare resurfacing.

Jim shook his head looking own at his hands.

“I never thought you were dead,” he whispered.

_You should have._

It was that voice again. Inside Leonard’s head, speaking how he truly felt, what he really wanted to say.

“I should get back. Come on, walk you to our quarters?” Jim stood up and held out his hand. Leonard stared at it before reaching up, the sleeve of his shirt sliding up to reveal the beginning of a deep, jagged scar.

They walked hand-in-hand in silence back to their room. The door slid open and Leonard entered, his hand slipping from Jim’s as he remained in the doorway.

“I’ll see you after my shift,” Jim said as he watched with concern as Leonard sat on the edge of the bed. “You okay?”

“We haven’t…come across any planets, have we?” Leonard didn’t look at Jim.

Jim crossed his arms and shifted where he leaned against the frame. “I told you I’d tell you if we did.”

“Just…making sure.”

Jim watched Leonard carefully and nodded. “I’ll see you later,” he walked in and placed a kiss on Leonard’s forehead, hovering for a reaction. There was nothing.

“Okay,” Leonard said, barely moving where he sat.

Jim left and hurried down the hall to the turbolift. When it arrived it was thankfully empty.

Jim took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder.

He did this a few times but it didn’t help.

“Fuck!” he shouted and hit the emergency stop. The turbolift skidded to a halt.

A string of curses left Jim’s mouth as he leaned his head against the wall. He couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He wondered if anyone could hear his screaming and banging.

He doesn’t know how long he was having his little episode and tried to compose himself as best as possible before letting the turbolift continue on its way to the bridge. His eyes were puffy and red, and his nose was stuffy. He fixed his tunic and ran an aching hand through his hair. His palms stung from slamming them against the walls. At least after the first couple of times he learned not to punch things anymore.

He pulled out his communicator and waited.

An accented ‘Hello’ crackled through.

“Dr. Elliot? Jim Kirk.” He wanted to get this done before he reached the bridge, he released the emergency stop and the turbolift came to life.

“Captain. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah. No. Not really.”

“Is it Leonard?”

“No, no, it’s, um. Is there a chance we can push up my appointment?”

The doctor’s voice seemed to echo in the small space.

“Oh, um, of course. How’s tomorrow around 6?”

“That’s perfect, thank you,” he said quickly as the turbolift doors opened up. “I have to go, thank you again.”

Jim barely caught the ‘not a problem Captain’ as he quickly snapped his communicator shut and tucked it away.

“Keptain on the bridge,” Chekov chimed.

If anyone asked Jim what went on during his shift, he wouldn’t be able to recall a single thing.

~

When his shift ended, Spock headed towards his quarters. He was feeling rather…weary, a feeling that does not befall the Vulcan often. However, the event of the past year has caused everyone to change in one way or other. He was hoping to get some meditation done but when he arrived at his quarters, he knew that was not going to happen.

“Doctor,” he said as the man leaning beside his door gave him a glare.

“What do you know?” Leonard asked as he pushed off the wall.

Spock tilted his head. “I do not know what you are referring to, Doctor.”

Leonard let out a laugh. “You should have let me bled out that day.”

Spock straightened and took a breath.

“Perhaps we should find the Captain.”

“I don’t want Jim!” Leonard yelled.

People at the end of the halls were beginning to gather.

“I know people don’t look at me the same way. I get it, I’m a fragile little boy now that needs to be tiptoed around because who knows what’s gonna set me off. Let’s be careful around McCoy because man he’s so fucked up now.” The anger grew with each passing word. The venom laced in his words struck Spock because he knew this wasn’t why Leonard was outside his room tonight.

“But you…Spock. Oh, how you look at me differently. No, no. Your eyes don’t hold that pity or that sympathy everyone shoots my way.” Leonard shook his head as he walked up to Spock. The audience has grown and Spock could see Scotty trying to make his way through the small crowd.

“They hold understanding, understanding of the horror that I see in my own every time I look in the mirror. And I want to know…” Leonard was now face to face with Spock. The Vulcan took another breath. “How?”

Despite the doctor in his face, Spock could see Scotty behind Leonard and Sulu trying to disperse the crowd.

“Tell me how you know.”

Scotty placed a steady hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. “Len, come on, let’s just relax an-”

He was cut off when Leonard suddenly grabbed Spock and slammed him against the wall. Spock would be lying if he said it didn’t startle him. Vulcans never lie.

“If you have anything from that fucking place you better give it to me right now I swear to god Spock.”

But Spock isn’t fully Vulcan.

“I have nothing.”

The punch was the second thing that startled Spock that night. Green Vulcan blood dripped down his chin. The blood of something he was slowly losing touch with.

“Why are you lying to me?” There was such desperation in Leonard’s voice. “What are you gaining out of it?”

Spock turned back, “I do not hav-”

Another punch.

“Leonard!”

“Doctor McCoy!”

Scotty and Sulu were now on him trying to pull him off.

“What are you hiding Spock!”

Leonard was much stronger than people thought; the rush of adrenalin wasn’t aiding Scotty and Sulu either.  

“Give it to me.”

“No.”

Silence and stillness filled the air.

“You do have something,” Leonard whispered. He slammed Spock against the wall. A hand gripped his arm and Leonard swung his elbow back connecting with something solid, the hand disappeared.

“Give it to me.”

“No.”

“Spock, you have no-”

“It won’t help you!”

The shout startled everyone.

But that wasn’t what caused Leonard to loosen his grip on Spock.

No.

It was the look on the Vulcan’s face that did.

A face always void of emotion, was now flooded with it.

That of sorrow, pain and anger.

“What do have Spock?” There was no more fight in Leonard’s voice, just weariness.

“It won’t give you the answers you’re looking for.”

Contractions. Spock never used them.

Leonard tightened his grip on Spock’s shirt, but not that of anger, that of desperation.

“Whatever it is I need it. Please.”

Spock didn’t have a chance to reply as a stern voice sliced through the air.

“Everyone back to your stations!”

All heads turned to their Captain. The anger was visible in his face and anyone who knew him well enough can see he was fighting to keep his composure. When no one moved he turned back to the crowed for crewmen that was gathered.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

They scattered like mice.

“Jim,” Scotty started.

“Mr. Scott, escort Mr. Sulu to sickbay.”

“Yes sir.”

Scotty spared one last glance and the CMO and First Officer knowing things won’t go well for them. He grabbed Sulu and made a hasty retreat.

Jim’s hard glare landed on the two men that know him best. “Both of you, with me,” he began to walk away.

“Jim, Spock didn’t-”

“Do not argue with me!” Jim whipped around so fast Leonard wouldn’t be surprised if he got whiplash from it. “Both of you will not say another word until I give you the permission to speak! Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” Spock said as Leonard just stared at his husband. 

 Jim turned away and they followed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. End of classes, Christmas, sister moving out. It's been hectic.


	3. Brittle Humans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hard exteriors lie  
> Broken and shattered inside

 

 

Spock and Leonard sat across from each other at the conference room table. Jim sat on it at the end, his back facing them. They sat there for probably only a few minutes, but the silence made it feel like hours. Leonard wasn’t sure how much longer he could last. He could see the tension in Jim’s shoulders, the fatigue beginning to set in. Jim was exhausted.

And depressed.

Leonard had seen the signs.

He rarely saw Jim eat, saw him struggling to focus on paper work, didn’t sleep as well and was always rubbing some part of his body.

He didn’t even go looking for sex.

Leonard can’t remember the last time they’ve even touched each other in a sexual way. Part of him was thankful and another part missed it.

But he chose to ignore it, to ignore it all.

“Jim,” he began.

“Shut up,” Jim immediately cut him off.

Leonard wasn’t even startled at the harsh reply. He expected it, encouraged it, and yearned for it. He wanted Jim to get mad.

Jim made his way over to one of the desks against the walls and picked up a folder.

It was a file folder, with actual hard copies.

One Spock was very familiar with.

“You know what this is,” Jim said as he slammed it on the table, the smacking noise seemingly echoing in the near silence.

Spock just opened his mouth but wasn’t able to even let out air before Jim started.

“Don’t worry; I didn’t rummage through your stuff. No need to go on quoting about illegal searches and whatnot. Uhura did, but she has residence in your quarters. So what she did wasn’t really illegal. Not in my book, at least.”

Leonard stared at the file, he knew what it was. He’s seen it before. Spock was right when he said it won’t help him. Karter never did much to hide what was in it. Scribbled notes barely legible and printed sheets that were all redacted anyway.

There were no answers there.

Just the past in words.

“I don’t want to know the reasons why you had this, why you were keeping it, but should I find out you have anything else regarding this subject…”

“That was all I had, Captain.”

Jim watched Spock with a hard eye, then nodded, his face softening just a bit.

“Return to your quarters. I don’t want to see you until alpha shift.”

“Yes sir,” Spock said standing up straight and made for the door.

“Mr. Spock,” Jim said as the doors slid open.

“Yes, Captain?” Spock turned back to Jim.

“Uhura’s just worried,” he said.

Spock looked away from Jim and nodded. Spock turned to Leonard.

“Doctor.” Leonard listened but didn’t look at the Vulcan. “I am sorry.” The doors swished open and Spock left.

 Leonard watched as the doors slid shut behind the Vulcan.

Leonard could feel Jim’s eyes on him before he even turned to look at his husband.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“People are always looking at me, thought I’d give’em a show,” Leonard tried to bite back the sarcasm but failed.

Jim slammed a shaky fist on the table. Leonard jumped.

 “Why won’t you talk to me?!”

“If I told you all my problems what would I tell to our little darlin’ Doctor Elliot?”

Jim let out a strangled laugh.

“Holy shit, Bones.”

It was Leonard’s turn to yell.

“What do you want from me, Jim? You want me to tell you all about my feelings? About how I lost a year of my life? How my body was used? Violated? How days passed in blurs? How I gave up? How I just let them do those things to me because I saw no point in fighting it because what good would it have done?!”

Leonard didn’t know when he stood up or walked over to Jim. Or pulled the man up from the seat and slammed him against the wall.

He hoped this wasn’t becoming a habit.

Leonard released Jim and walked to the other side of the room. The tension was suffocating and Leonard just wanted to leave.

“You keep asking about a planet.” Jim said. “Why?”  

Leonard turned to Jim and could see the desperation in his eyes. He didn’t want to know, but he needed to understand.

“I didn’t know I taken.”

Jim gave him a confused look.

“I thought I had left the _Enterprise_ willingly.”

The false memories started to flood back to him. He grabbed a chair and sat down; Jim came over and sat beside him.

“We were on a planet called Keiuuk. Or so I thought. They weren’t friendly to outsiders much, but their king said if I stayed no one would have to die. So I stayed.”

Jim was just shaking his head. He wanted to ask why they wanted Leonard to begin with but said “It wasn’t real though,” instead.

“It was for me. I lived there for five months. I ate, I slept, I felt pain, and I felt everything. I talked to people, made friends and to wake up and find out none of it was real…” He let out a shuddering breath. “I just haven’t accepted it’s not real.”

“You have to.”

That wasn’t the response Leonard was expecting.

“You are drowning Bones. Each of these things you are holding onto is a weight dragging you down.”

Leonard just looked at Jim.

“Damn, you should fire Elliot.”

Jim let out a laugh and took Leonard’s hand as the light atmosphere left as quickly as it came.

“I can’t,” Leonard said. “What they took from me…from us.”

Jim’s grip tightened. “Then let me help, please.”

Leonard couldn’t look Jim in the eyes. How could he let the man he loved through more hell? He couldn’t bring himself to involve Jim in the nightmares, the self-hatred and the tormented days. Leonard opened his mouth but no words would come, so he just shook his head.

Before Jim could say anything his communicator beeped. He reluctantly answered it.

“What is it?” he asked sharply.

“Captain,” it was the communication’s officer, “Admiral Pike is on the line.”

Jim and Leonard looked at each other.

“Send him over to my private quarters, I’ll be there momentarily.”

“Yes sir.”

Pike calling could only mean one thing. They’ve got new information regarding Leonard’s case. Jim grabbed the file that remained on the table and the two made their way to the Captain’s quarters and had to compose themselves before connecting with Pike.

“Admiral,” Jim said as Pike appeared on screen.

“Captain,” he noticed Leonard, “Doctor.” Leonard nodded his courtesy.

“News?” Jim asked

Pike didn’t have a pleased look when he nodded. Jim didn’t know what to read from that but he bit his tongue and waited.

“As you know Marie Karter has been questioned every day since her capture, we’ve had no progress getting her to talk.”

Jim shook his head confused. “Sir, we already know this.”

“Until today.”

Jim could feel Leonard coming up from behind him. Anticipation bled through the air.

“She’s willing to talk,” Jim heard the ‘but’ before Pike said it. “But only to you, Doctor.”

Jim closed his eyes and took a steady breath; it felt as if the world stopped around him.

“No,” he said.

“I can handle it Jim.”

“No, you can’t. Not after what happened today.”

“You don’t have the say on this decision, it’s mine and mine alone.”

“The hell it is!”

“Ahem,” said the voice of the forgotten man on the screen. “It’s actually neither of yours. Starfleet has ordered you to return to Earth.”

“What?! Sir, we just--” Jim was cut off.

“It’s nonnegotiable.”

Jim felt the air leave his body. He suddenly felt light headed, that he would just float off into the unknown, where he should be.

Jim couldn’t keep the shakiness out of his voice. “Sir…”

“Set your course back to Earth Jim. The _Enterprise_ is being decommissioned until further notice.” He looked at Jim with sad eyes. “I’m sorry.”

The screen flicked off.

“Still eager to help?” A snide remark that lacked any feeling. Jim couldn’t even reply or look at Leonard right now. He just continued to stare at the blank screen.

Leonard didn’t need to be told when he wasn’t wanted.

Jim didn’t even wait for the door to slide shut before he flung a fist at the wall.


	4. Reality Spill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here are your answers
> 
> Say hello to cancer

 

 

“It’s good to see you.”

Leonard sat silently, in civilian clothes, across from Doctor Marie Karter in an old fashion interrogation room. Her wrists were shackled to the bolted table as she sat back in her seat. The bright lights in the white room magnified the shadows under her eyes, the tired lines that traced her face and her messy hair pulled back into a tight pony.

Leonard tilted his head, examining the woman who stole from him.

“They said you wanted to talk to me. So, here I am.”

Karter smiled and turned her head to the one way mirror, looking at her reflect. “They surely work fast when they need to.”

Located on the other side of the mirror stood Jim and Pike as they watched intently. Jim, biting his thumb, shook his head.

“He shouldn’t be in there.” Pike ignored him.

“They want to know who you are, where you got your money, why you were on that planet-”

“Surely you didn’t come to get answers for _them_.”  

Leonard waited a beat.

“Their answers are my answers.”  

Karter smiled wide. “Spoken like a true Starfleet officer.”  

Jim watched her closely.

 “What’s her angle?”

Pike shook his head. “This is the most she’s said in a sitting.”

“What do you want to know, Leonard?”

Leonard’s heart stopped. The way she said his name, how she asked the question, he feels the slip. She’s already taken charge, taken control.

“What do you remember?” she asks.

And he knows. He knows exactly what she’s referring to.

“Everything,” he says. “Was any of it real?”

She shakes her head.

“What are they talking about?” Jim asks. Pike remains silent.

Leonard shifts in his seat, Karter’s eyes are on him like they used to be at the facility. Observing, calculating, and wondering.

 “What was it?”  He asks.

And she answers.

“We were designing a drug which takes the memories and imagination of the subject to construct their own reality.”

“A dream drug?”

Karter chuckles. “You can call it that.”

“Why?”

“People don’t always like the reality they live in.” Karter smiles at him and tilts her head.

Leonard stares her down.

“I know what you want to know.”

“Oh really?”

She chuckles. “Your Starfleet thinks they can use you to get information about my work and my colleagues. I’m not going to tell you anything about that. It’s dead now. The facility is destroyed and everyone and anyone who knew anything are dead.”

Leonard watches her carefully.

“But I always hated to leave open ends with my work. I like everything to have…closure. That’s why I wanted to talk with you.”

Leonard lets out a humorous laugh.

“You want to give me closure? You think you can do that?”

“Why you?” She states. Leonard flinches.

“You want to know, don’t you? Why we chose you? The reasons for…all of this.”

Leonard just watches her.

“You were just another subject,” she smiles. “Subject 17, chosen because of your curious pregnancy readings. But that was all. You weren’t special; we would’ve chosen any of the others you were with. You just had the bad luck of having a little life in you. A weak one at that. Couldn’t even survive a simple test.”

Leonard blinked and he was in the arms of his husband.

Not caring and comforting arms, but strong and restraining ones.

Guards were hoisting Karter up from her seat.

All Leonard could do was watch.

Watch as she smiled.

As she fought.

As she died.

As she fell.

Leonard stopped his struggles he didn’t realize he was doing as he let his body go limp in Jim’s arms. His eyes locked on the body of the woman who destroyed his life. Her hand still gripping the stolen phaser.

His body sank to the floor, eyes never leaving hers. Jim’s warmth engulfed him but he suddenly felt cold.

The chill of nothingness.

His suffering.

His loss.

All of it was for nothing.

He had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That was all.

In that moment he did the only thing he could do.

He laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CRAP  
> Okay guys, I know this chapter is short. I had alot of trouble with deciding how this was going down. 
> 
> First you gotta know, I don't plan out my stories, which is why it can take me forever to update, I always come up with everything usually as I'm writing or whenever I'm thinking of my story. I just like to let the story sort of lead me. 
> 
> SO, I had written a hella long ass chapter going down a COMPLETELY different road which just wasn't what I wanted 
> 
> I always wanted this to be a recovery fic for Bones. I didn't want to so much linger on the reasons for what happened to him because I wanted it to be a recovery over something that just...has no answers or meaning.  
> Things happen in life and we don't always know why, we don't always get the answers, but we still have to live with the effects of what the occurrences did to us. 
> 
> I hope you guys are okay with the way this went, and that it wasn't disappointing.


	5. Charging...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Cure, Your Drug  
> How many doses  
> For my hypnosis

Scotty took a deep breath before he allowed the doors to the apartment he was staying in slide open. He found those waiting for him in the kitchen. Sulu and Chekov were huddled over a PADD on the island as Uhura retrieved a drink from the fridge. All eyes turned to him when he entered. He knew they knew just from his face, but the question was asked anyway.

“So?” Sulu asked.

Scotty shook his head.

“The case is closed.”

“Closed?” Uhura said, unintentionally slamming her drink on the counter. “What do you mean closed?”

“It’s over. Doctor Karter killed herself during the interrogation.”

“Oh my God,” Uhura mumbled and Sulu looked away.

“With Doctor McCoy there?” Chekov asked.

Scotty looked at him with sad eyes, Chekov’s young face made him look away as he answered.

“Yes.”

Chekov muttered something in Russian and buried his face in his hands. Scotty walked over to him and squeezed his shoulder before he hunched over and leaned on the island.

“Admiral Pike is doing all he can to keep the Enterprise under Jim’s command, but I don’t know for how long. She’s a prime ship, they want her out there.”

“There has to be something we can do,” Sulu said.

“I can always do some tweaking, keep her grounded to buy us time,” Scotty suggested as he accepted a drink Uhura poured for him.

“Not that,” Sulu replied.

They knew what he meant.

Scotty looked around the apartment.

“Where’s Spock?” he asked. “He ever stop by?”

“No,” Uhura said. “He said he had something to take care of but I think he was lying.”

“I thought Vulcans didn’t lie,” Sulu says almost automatically.

“They don’t, but lately he hasn’t been so…Vulcan.” 

~

Any of Spock’s crew, even those who worked and saw him every day, even those who he himself calls his friend and family, would not recognize him as the straight back First Officer of the Enterprise today.

 Today, Spock embraced a part of him that can only be found in his DNA and his heart.

He leaned against the railing, looking out at the Golden Gate Bridge, the salty air tickling his nose. He wore a black beanie atop his head, shielding his ears, from both the chill and the eyes of the people. His uniform, replaced with never worn civilian clothes his mother had bought him what seems like a lifetime ago. The jacket was a bit too snug across the shoulders and a tad short in the sleeves.

Perhaps it was, because a lifetime ago Spock would have never thought he’d feel so human.

He was always a child of two worlds.

And he had lost both in one day.

His home planet of Vulcan and his mother of Earth.

Today, Spock felt his blood run red.

Admiral Pike had contacted him as he made his way over to Scotty’s apartment, informing him of the outcome of the interrogation. Something stirred in him and he just couldn’t bring himself to be surrounded by people. He informed Uhura that he had something to take care of.

The lie felt natural on his tongue.

Was this being human?

~

“We were trying. Not like, intent on getting it done, but if it happened we were ready for it. After a month without much luck it just sort of fell on the back burner, then work began to pick up and the thought of starting a family kind of faded from our minds. So much that when he wasn’t feeling good, it didn’t even cross either of our minds that he could be pregnant.”

“Was it a surprise to you?”

“That he could get pregnant? Of course it was, but it wore off, I mean come on, look at the universe we live in. Anything’s possible.”

“Of course it is.”

…

“Things will get better.”

“I don’t kn-…He won’t talk to me. He barely even looks at me. And after yesterday I’m…”

“Jim?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“That he can’t go back, to who he was.”

“…You know he can’t.”

…

“Do you love him?”

“Of course.”

“But you see him as a different person now?”

“No, it’s not…he just-I don’t…I want to help him, but he’s resisting me and…and I’m hurting too.”

“You think he’s being selfish?”

“No! No…”

“Jim.”

…

“Doctor McCoy…Leonard is still the man you fell in love with, the man you married. Over time we all get beaten and bruised, we change. Whether by choice or event, but we’ll always be our individual selves deep down. For some it can get buried deeper than others, but I promise you, your husband is still there. You have to believe that.”

“I do.”

“And he’s always cared about you, right?”

“Always.”

“Then it should be fine.”

…

“Our lives are fickle objects in time. We never know what tomorrow brings. I know it’s hard, that it’s been hard and you feel like nothing is changing, but it will.”

…

“Leonard is still a little lost.”

“I’ve been trying to help, but he just…doesn’t want it.”

“Sometimes to move on, we need to do it ourselves.”

“So, I should leave him alone?”

“No, be there for him. Just understand that he needs to help himself right now.”

“Can’t you help him?”

“I’m here for him when he chooses to come, I can’t force him. On the Enterprise was one thing, but not down here.”

…

“I know you hate this line but, give it time.”

…

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Heh, thanks Doctor Elliot.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

~

There was nothing quite like an empty beach.

It was mostly thanks to the cooler weather, something not many people were used to here in San Francisco, so the minute Jack Frost nipped at their noses they scurried inside.

Leonard sat alone on the sand down by the water, feet outstretched in front of him, allowing the ocean waves to rush up and soak him.

He played with the wet sand, letting it funnel from his fist to create a little tower, only to have it washed away quickly by the next wave.

He knows he cracked that day. Laughing in the presence of the dead body of the person that experimented on you and killed your unborn child isn’t exactly the actions of someone who is “okay.”

But afterwards, Leonard got a nice drugged sleep, actually had a full breakfast, and was able to get out for a walk with Jim.

While his mind was racing, it was the first time he felt a sense of normalcy in his life again. 

Then after that he just wanted to wallow in self-pity. He didn’t want to hear Jim’s reassuring words that he felt Jim didn’t even believe himself. He was tired of being broken and he was tired of seeing his husband broken because of him. He broke him and he couldn’t fix him, not when his hands were too shattered to hold himself together.

He told Jim he was suffocating, to leave, to get out, and go back to space. The Enterprise was waiting for him.

Jim did leave. Leonard doesn’t know where he went, but when he came back, because Jim would always come back, there was something different about him. Almost like a sense of understanding, still not fully clear but getting there. He thought snapping at Jim cracked him even more and Leonard feared he did irreparable damage between them. It wasn’t until the next day when Leonard was home alone and heard Dr. Elliot leaving a message that it wasn’t damage being done, but a little healing.

Jim was giving him space. Something Leonard knows he was reluctant to do, he can tell. He doesn’t like it but he knows, no, understands Leonard needs it right now.

Leonard was grateful for it.

Being left alone with his thoughts allowed him to sort himself out, to accept the course his life has taken, to grieve his losses and to make peace with himself.

This was all about a week ago.  

Despite doing all that, he still felt broken. He came to terms with things but he still hurt, he still had nightmares. He wasn’t better, and he felt far from it, but now he seemed stuck. He didn’t know what to do now.

So, he came to the beach.

Leonard leaned back on his hands and closed his eyes. He was getting cold from the chill in the air and the fact that his lower half was soaked with sea water, but he felt...calm.

Or maybe he was just drained.

He’s still trying to wrap his brain around everything specifically. That it’s over. It’s truly over.

He does feel dazed about it all and he’d probably say he’s more in a state of shock rather than on a road to recovery, despite all his _accepting._

“Doctor?” a small voice sounded over the waves.

Leonard gave a side glance at Chekov. The young Russian was in jeans and a golden sweater a little too big. Leonard smiled at the thought it was probably Sulu’s.

“They’re looking for you,” he said.

Leonard grabbed a hand full of wet sand and let it slide through his fingers.

“Are they?”

Chekov took a step beside him and gripped the hem of his sweater.

“I’m sorry.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow and looked up. Chekov brought his arms up and wrapped them around himself with tears in his eyes.

“If I didn’t…if I didn’t wander off this wouldn’t have happened,” Chekov says as he squeezes his eyes shut.

Leonard watches Chekov closely. He can see the genuine hurt in the boy. He didn’t like it.

“Hey,” Leonard says, he cleans his hand in the retreating wave and reaches up grabbing Chekov’s wrist. The Russian lets out hiccup as Leonard pulls him down next to him. Chekov fumbles to the ground as a wave washes up and soaks him. Leonard wraps his arm around Chekov and pulls the boy close to him.

“You haven’t been blaming yourself now have you?”

Chekov lets out a sob and says something Leonard can’t make out between the crying and the accent.

“It’s not your fault,” Leonard says as he stares out to the horizon. The warmth from Chekov is nice, something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Chekov was always a ball of happiness and sunshine. If anything, he was a little sun, just like his Jim.

Chekov was the last one he saw before he descended into hell.

When he got back, he hadn’t seen much of him. Circumstances just kept them apart, Leonard didn’t like that, he always had a soft spot for the kid, everyone does, but with how he was, how he was feeling, he’d being lying if he said he didn’t put a small amount of effort to avoid Chekov.

He rested his cheek on top of Chekov’s curly hair as the boy calmed down. Seeing Chekov this way made Leonard realize that he’s not alone.

He always knew that, in a sense. He knows that even though it was him that suffered the pain and abuse directly, others suffered too.

While physical and mental pain hurt, loss hurts just as much.

“I’m sorry,” Leonard says into the curls as a wave comes in, they’re getting a little bigger.

Chekov sniffs through his stuffy nose and shifts. He straightens up and looks at the doctor.

“I’ve been wrapped up in my pain and loss that I didn’t stop to think of friend, of family...of Jim.”

Leonard can see behind those brilliant green eyes Chekov was trying to find the right words.

“I’ve been selfish.”

“No! You-you were-are hurting and-and-”

Leonard laughed, Chekov was trying really hard to get his thoughts straightened out he was getting flustered.

“Hey,” Leonard said. “Thanks.”

Chekov decompresses and tilts his head.

“I thought I lost-”

A huge wave crashes over the two of them. They’re knocked onto their backs. Leonard gets his footing faster than Chekov and hoists the boy up and away from the water, both coughing as the salt water burns their throats. Chekov gets balanced; they’re hunched forward towards each other holding the other’s arm as if getting ready to play London Bridge. They look at each other for a moment and then start to laugh.

“Come on, before we catch death,” Leonard says as he takes Chekov’s hand and tugs him along.

~

At the steps leading off the beach, Jim sat waiting with Sulu. Jim was fiddling with his wedding band when Sulu nudged his shoulder. He looked up and saw his two soaked and sand filled officers approaching. He stood with Sulu.

Leonard and Chekov stopped at the bottom of the steps. Jim stayed where he was as Sulu made his way down.

“You guys okay?” Sulu asked as he laid a gentle hand on Chekov’s arm, the Russian boy smiled.

Leonard let go of Chekov seeing he was now in Sulu’s hands. “We’re good. Go get him dried off before he catches a cold.”

“Yes, doctor,” Sulu said as he glanced between his Captain and CMO. He took Chekov’s hand and led him away.

Leonard watched the two leave before his eyes fell on his husband. Jim had those analyzing eyes on him, trying to figure out what state Leonard was in.

Right now he was just wet.

And cold.

And wanted his husband’s warmth.

Leonard walked up the stairs where his head became level with Jim’s chest. He laid his head forward and wrapped his arms around him. Jim felt stiff and unsure.

“Bones?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jim cupped Leonard’s face in his hands and raised his head. Leonard stared into those blue eyes and felt tears welling up in his.

“You lost a child too, and you lost me. I was so consumed by my own pain I never once thought about yours.”

Jim took his hand and rain it through Leonard’s wet hair. He laid his hand on the back of Leonard’s neck.

“I’m going to kiss you.”

“Please.”

Jim reached down and placed his lips on Leonard’s.

They shared a kiss they haven’t shared in over a year.

It was desperate.

Longing.

Craving.

Hungry.

But most of all…

Loving.

They breathed heavy when they separated, staying close, Jim’s hot breath warming Leonard’s chilled face.

“I didn’t mean to be overbearing, I only wanted to help.” Jim runs his thumb at the corner of Leonard’s eye, wiping away a tear. “We all did.”

“I know. I still just felt so alone in this and I know you meant well.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop.”

If anyone walked passed during this moment, they would be able to clearly see the love Jim held for Leonard.

His face was gentle, his eyes soft and caring, and his hands on Leonard’s face caressing.

Finally, Leonard was able to feel it again. He felt something in him, not something fixing itself, but returning. Something he had lost during those seven months. Something he felt the absence of since he was saved. He had felt it on the beach with Chekov. Now he truly felt it here with Jim.

Hope.

“It still hurts,” Leonard says.

Jim nods. “We’ll work on it.”

A small smile graced Leonard’s lip as he leaned forward, resting his head on Jim’s chest again. He closed his eyes and listened to Jim’s heartbeat.

Finally, his sun was beginning to rise again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to write Chekov now but I still get joy from him because Anton Yelchin made his so precious. I think his death is influencing how I'm writing this story, it's not intentional but when I read over what I write I feel like it might be swaying me certain ways.  
> I'm still in denial about his death in all honesty.  
> I don't cope that well, my grandma died almost 2 years ago and I still have her number in my phone.  
> Anton I didn't even know, but he was young, he's roughly my generation, 4 years my senior and he was leading a life I hope to one day, doing what I'm passionate about and to see that all get ripped away because such small actions, such random circumstances, it's really hurting me. 
> 
> Sometimes I feel I have no right to grieve the way I do over some celebrities because I didn't know them as a friend or family member but it still hurts. I watched a lot of his work, I crushed on him and I got so excited to be seeing him again because I haven't in a while.  
> And while it hurts, I'm glad I can still watch him.  
> I had watched Bury My Ex and he made me laugh, so I was happy about that. 
> 
> I know the pain's going to linger for a while more through the rest of this year because he's still going to be around in our lives through the work he left behind. Even when there's no more new work he'll still be around, and I'm glad, if there's anyone in this world to remember for both his work and just as a genuinely good human being it's Anton Yelchin.


End file.
